You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
