I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
