Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
