When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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