Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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