Can i not drive my cunt home
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
