You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
