Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
