I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
