when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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