never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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