Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
