Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
