You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
