U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
