Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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