i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
