ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
