I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
