You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i will never coherently bang her
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
