So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
