I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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