I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
