Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
