Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
