My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
