Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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