I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
