Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
