The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
