Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
