I will die if light touches me.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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