I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
