My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
