Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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