I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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