we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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