I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
