I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
