it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
