do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
