bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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