I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
