I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
