I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
