apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
