Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
