based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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