you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
