turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
