When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Pooping to opera.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
